Incidental Padding

November 2007

Ask Widom 11

Dear Wisdom: Is it true you can get an STD from the bath house at Ragnarok? -- Fearful  

DEAR FEAR: YES...BUT THE TILE FLOORS ARE COLD AND HURT YOUR BACK.  -- WISDOM~>  

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Dear Wisdom: Some people insist that dwarven women have beards; others swear they don't.  Can you settle this debate once and for all?  -- Harry  

DEAR HAIRY: YES.  -- WISDOM~>  

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Hey Wisdom: Dagorhir is for wimps and weirdoes, right?  -- Normal Guy  

HEY NORM!  YOU ARE ASKING A 6,700-YEAR-OLD DEMON TO CONFIRM YOUR WORLD VIEW BUT YOU ARE WORRIED ABOUT PEOPLE WHO WEAR TUNICS AND ACHIEVE STRESS RELIEF BY FIGHTING?   -- WISDOM~>  

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Dear Wisdom: Why do some people only touch Hanzo with a 10-foot pole?  -- Rules Lawyer  

DEAR RULES: BECAUSE THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH 12-FOOT POLES TO GO AROUND.   -- WISDOM~>  

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Yo Wisdom: Why does your advice column suck? -- Guy No One's Heard Of  

YO GUY: THANKS FOR VOLUNTEERING TO WRITE A MONTHLY ADVICE COLUMN FOR INCIDENTAL PADDING.  -- WISDOM~>  

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Mr. Wisdom: Why, why, why did Leonard Nimoy record "The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins?"  -- Distraught Hobbit Lover  

DHL: THREE REASONS. 1. WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES. 2. IT WAS THE 60'S. 3. WHAT, HAVE YOU NEVER MIXED TEQUILA WITH OUZO ON THE ROCKS?    -- WISDOM~>

October 2007

Ask Wisdom 10

September 2007

Ask Wisdom Vol. 9

Wisdom is on vacation, flying "downunder" to visit his family. 

While he is away, Wisdom is sending in his column via the Palantir on his desk.  At least we THINK it's a Palantir.

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Dear Wisdom:

Will Badon Hill II be bigger than Badon Hill I?

ANSWER: You may rely on it.

_______________________________________________________

Dear Wisdom:

Will the weather at Badon Hill be gurrundi?

ANSWER: Signs point to yes.

_______________________________________________________

Dear Wisdom,

I'm thinking of getting back into fighting for the first time in 20 years. I examined my old sword and found it's gone all soft. I'm wondering how I can get my sword to be as stiff as those the young guys are using. Got any advice?

- Stiff in All the Wrong Places

ANSWER: Outlook not so good.

_______________________________________________________

Hey,

I'm new, but have an awesome idea. I want to fight with a pair of double bladed scythes I've made, but I'm afraid no one will fight me due to the obvious unbeatable power of this combination. Can you help me to convince your club to stop being whimps and fight me? -Conan. (No, really, that's my name.)

ANSWER: You may rely on it.

_______________________________________________________

I've only been to one Ragnarok before, maybe a dozen years ago. If I go to the next one [blatant plug]Ragnarok XXIII, June, 2008[/blatant plug] is there anything I should look out for?

ANSWER: Yes - definitely.

_______________________________________________________

Yo, Wisdom, I see you have wings. Does that make you a fairy? hahah!

ANSWER: My reply is no.

_______________________________________________________

Dear Wisdom:

Why do orcs smell funny?

ANSWER: Reply hazy, try again.

_______________________________________________________

Hey Wisdom:

Why do elves smell funny?

ANSWER: Better not tell you now.

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Dear Mr. Shiney Armor,

During my recent travels I seem to have caught an embarrassing, er, condition, in my, ah, netherlands? Should I get this condition treated discreetly, or publicize it so that my next appearance in combat will be even more terrifying?

- Hitstoohard

ANSWER: It is decidedly so.

August 2007

Ask Wisdom Vol. 8

Master Sun Said:

Hence, when able to attack, we must seem unable;  when using our forces, we must seem inactive; when we are near, we must make the enemy believe we are far away;  when far away, we must make him believe we are near.

Mister Wisdom Says:

It helps if your enemy drinks heavily and doesn't pay attention.

Master Sun Said:

When the trees are seen to move, the enemy is advancing.

Mister Wisdom Says:

When the trees are seen to move, someone has slipped you a fizzy roofie.  

Master Sun Said:

If he is secure at all points, be prepared for him. If he is in superior strength, evade him.

Mister Wisdom Says:

Back-stab or run away.

Master Sun Said:

If he is taking his ease, give him no rest.

Mister Wisdom Says:

Mess with you enemies on Sloth Day.

Master Sun Said:

Attack him where he is unprepared, appear where you are not expected.

Mister Wisdom Says:

Crash the enemy's party then drink his beer. 

Master Sun Said:

These military devices, leading to victory, must not be divulged beforehand.

Mister Wisdom Says:

Don't share this book with anybody or they'll kick your ass.

Master Sun Said:

Bring war material with you from home, but forage on the enemy.

Mister Wisdom Says:

It's okay to shop at Wal-Mart if you forgot stuff.

Master Sun Said:

Hence a wise general makes a point of foraging on the enemy. 

Mister Wisdom Says:

Cannibalism is OK if your commander says so. 

Master Sun Said:

One may know how to conquer without being able to do it

Mister Wisdom Says:

He's talking about you. 

Master Sun Said:

To see victory only when it is within the ken of the common herd is not the acme of excellence.

Mister Wisdom Says:

Don't be a doofus. 

Master Sun Said:

What the ancients called a clever fighter is one who not only wins, but excels in winning with ease.

Mister Wisdom Says:

What Ori calls a fighter who not only wins but excels in winning with ease is "Ori."

Master Sun Said:

There are times when the commands of the sovereign need not be obeyed.

Mister Wisdom Says:

Some kings are idiots.  

Master Sun Said:

Indirect tactics, efficiently applied, are inexhaustible as Heaven and Earth, unending as the flow of rivers and streams; like the sun and moon, they end but to begin anew; like the four seasons, they pass away to return once more.

Mister Wisdom Says:

Alright, this passage is stupid and nobody has ever understood it in the 3,000 years since Sun wrote "The Art of War."  I was there when Sun Tzu wrote it; he said, "I'm four lines short and I have a deadline to get Chapter V done today...I know! I'll baffle ‘em with BS!"

Master Sun Said:

If we do not wish to fight, we can prevent the enemy from engaging us even though the lines of our encampment be merely traced out on the ground.  All we need do is to throw something odd and unaccountable in his way.

Mister Wisdom Says:

Examples of "something odd and unaccountable" include Shatterhaze, Buster of Shadows, or Maggot.

Master Sun Said:

Now a soldier's spirit is keenest in the morning; by noonday it has begun to flag; and in the evening, his mind is bent only on returning to camp.

Mister Wisdom Says:

Well, duh. 

Master Sun Said:

It is a military axiom not to advance uphill against the enemy, nor to oppose him when he comes downhill.

Mister Wisdom Says:

If Dagorhir did this, the Militia would have a lot less fun at Ragnarok. 

Master Sun Said:

The material for raising fire should always be kept in readiness.

Mister Wisdom Says:

Camp near the Militia.

- Wisdom~>

July 2007

Ask Wisdom Vol. 7

WHAT HAPPENED AT RAGNAROK STAYED AT RAGNAROK!

Dear Wisdom,

I think Princess Dudley is prettier than me. Should I be more concerned that I think Princess Dudley is pretty or that I think I am?

One of Luka's Slave Boys

Dear Slave Boy,

You should be most concerned that you're asking a 3,700-year-old Demon with a taste for human flesh for psychological advice.  Your other problems pale in comparison.

- Wisdom~>

June 2007

Ask Wisdom Vol. 6

Dear Wisdom,

What's the best way to clean a goblin?

-- Downwind in Angaron

Dear Downwind,

Trebuchet; lake; clean goblin; dead fish.

- Wisdom~>

dear wizdom,

my freinds and i r kinda new at this, and i had a queston. i padded my katana with foam liek it said to in the erindoor tutorial, but when i hit my firend it cut off his hed. i tried to gloo it back on with dap and gorilla gloo, but it didn't wurk. wat kind of gloo do u use?

~runnign out of friends to fight with

Dear Runnign:

 Was your friend a gorilla?  If so, I don't understand why gorilla glue didn't work.

- Wisdom~>

Dear Wisdom:

How do you pronounce "Seiichirô?"

-- Tongue Tied

Dear Tongue Tied,

I don't.

- Wisdom~>

Dear Wisdom,

Everyone has seen the Roman semi-cylindrical shields known as scutums.  I'm trying to bend a 3/8" wood board to use it as a core.  I devised a domestic method, but the shield doesn't hold the curve that well. I could try painting it with sea sealant or something for it to hold...or perhaps wait a much longer time for the pressing to warp it into the desired curve.  I've read everything I could find, and based my method on a uber-simplified version of the SCA tutorial for bending their wood cores for Norman kite shields and stuff.  I know a plastic core would be much easier, but since I had the board I wanted to give it a try.  Any advice?

-- Worried Wyvern

WW:

No.

- Wisdom~>

May 2007

Ask Wisdom Vol. 5

I'm recommending you to the Militia 12-Step DAP-Addiction Program:

1. STEP 1 Cover Subject in DAP.
2. STEP 2 Cover DAPped subject with blue camping mat.
3. STEP 3 Add stabbing tip to subject's head.
4. STEP 4 Swing subject around by ankles and make him shout, "Red! Red!"
5. (I realize so far you may feel like you have a head start)
6. STEP 5 Make fun of subject.
7. STEP 6 Set subject on fire.
8. STEP 7 Make fun of subject because he's on fire.
9. STEP 8 Cook beans over subject.
10. STEP 9 Put out fire in embarrassing manner; take pictures.
11. STEP 10 Make fun of subject for not being on fire.
12. STEP 11 Load subject into Roman Candle.
13. STEP 12 Launch subject at Dominion Camp.
/ol>

At this point, you will either be cured...or you'll be Dominion's problem.

Wisdom~>

Dear Wisdom:

 

I used to fight in Dagorhir during the old days and boy was I surprised to find that your not only still around Dagorhir, but you're writing an advice column!  I saw pictures of you on the Dagorhir website, and I can't believe you still fit into your armor from the 1980's!!  How does a 6 thousand year old demon stay in fighting trim?

- Not So Skinny Anymore

Dear Not So: 

Good to hear from another voice from the Olde Days.  There are three components to my demonic fitness program.

ONE - Diet: I eat nothing but tender, low-fat Elf Ears and Pixie-Wing Sandwiches, and I drink nothing but the blood of "Ragnarok Virgins."  Fortunately, the rate at which Dagorhir is growing now leaves no shortage of these staples!

TWO - Exercise: Every week, I fly to different Dagorhir chapters, transmogrify my appearance to look like a normal Mortal, and spend the entire week going to different units' practices, fighting their members and convincing their new members to go to Ragnarok...especially if they have wings or pointy ears.  I spent the last week in Puerto Rico with the Wyvern Clan, where they have many, many virgins.  Er, RAGNAROK Virgins.

THREE - Armor.  When I designed and built that armor decades ago, I built it much, much too large for me, as evidenced by the oversized shoulder plates and the barrel-shaped torso.  After years spent eating nothing but elf ears and pixie-wing sandwiches, I fill it up near to bursting.

Looking forward to mmm...eating you again soon,

Wisdom~>

Dear Wisdom,

I recently broke a couple of fingers fighting, and I'm not really supposed to fight anymore until I get my cast off. Even then I'll probably be in a splint and still unable to fight for a while. Is there anything I can do to get in on the action while I'm waiting to heal?

-Waiting to fight

Dear Waiting:

Splint your fingers in the traditional English reverse-V symbol -- the "up-yours" sign from the days of Robin Hood, showing that you had never been caught by the Sheriff's men...demonstrated by the fact that they hadn't chopped off your "bow-fingers" (the punishment for poaching the King's Game).  Practice taunting your friends and foes.  By the time your hand is healed, there will be a line of people wanting a piece of you!  Then you can make up for lost (fighting) time. 

Wisdom~>

­­­­­­­­­­­­Dear Mr. Sniney-Eyes:

I saw a show on the History Channel about war technology in the Trojan Era.  I saw at Rag XXI that you wear Homeric style bronze plate armor, so I'd like your opinion on this comment from an "expert" talking about a suit of plate armor they dug up which dated back to the time of the siege of Troy --  "This armor weighed about 60 pounds...of course, they couldn't really FIGHT in it, especially in the Summer heat."

-  "History" Buff

Dear Buff.

Clearly, that "expert" has never been to Ragnarok!

Wisdom~>

April 2007

Ask Wisdom Vol. 4

Oi Wizdom!!

Uz ladz wuz fumpin sum ummiez anz, Ratshink sez  Oi Boss, Dis zoggin bug eye'd blue skinn'd git 'ere, hez a skinnie, so i sez duff'em wif da rezt af dez mugz, but ol' ratshink i fergetz 'ehz greazy bodger an 'im an hiz ladz ate. Now i aint 'gaiznt eatin da skinniz mind ya but dey aint much fer a real go,  after da skinnie wuz done, i ate'd  ratshink, now iz got innigeshun wotz do i do da make go away, i tried yellin at it, i tries 'ittin it anz frettin it nufink iz workin eh??  

- Mog Bonecutter Boss af Da Waagghh!!

Dearest Mr. Bonecutter:

 

I see by your list you've already tried all the standard "Home" remedies.  I think it's time for Doctor Wisdom to make a house call.  Er, CAVE call.  I'm afraid treatment will probably require emergency surgery.  Fortunately, I carry a Zwiehander (That's a fancy word for "Scalpel") with me for just such ocassions.    I'll be right over.  

- Dr. Wisdom~>

Dear Wisdom,

I am a young and tender Kutriguri lass who has fallen for a red headed Viking. What is a girl to do?

-Seeing red

Dear SR:

Viking?  You're not saying that you're secretly dating a member of the Vardrotta, are you?  Because if you are, you aren't any more, if you get my drift.   Assuming you have better taste than that, I offer the following prescription:

1. Take aforementioned red-headed Viking back to your Ger.
2. Take aforementioned red-headed Viking in your hand.
3. Look at the artwork on your shield.
4. Take your sharp knife in your hand.
5. Let Life Imitate Art.

Problem Solved!  Next case, please.

- Dr. Wisdom~>

Dear Wisdom

I've managed to completely cover myself in DAP. I'd rather not say how it happened, but I can't move. Is there anything you can say to help me?

- Curious Teenager

Dear CT,

Yes, there is something I can say to help you.   KIDA, THIS ONE CAN'T RUN AWAY!

- Dr. Wisdom~>

March 2007

Ask Wisdom Vol. 3

This month, Wisdom has
Declared that all replies shall
Be in Haiku Form

   Wisdom~>

O Mighty Wisdom,
As you write from a male perspective, I would appreciate your input on this situation. The insolent males of my household are entertaining ideas of self-government. What is the most satisfyingly violent way to return them to the traditional Drow way of thinking?

          -A Concerned Matron Mother

    Drow's Dilemma

Cook them in stew pot;
If they don't wise up quickly
Simmer for two hours

Dear Wisdom
I've run out of excuses for why didn't win anything at a recent tourney. 

Can you suggest some new excuses?

    - Swung Too Slow

    Tourney Lost

Try this on for size:
"The other guy fought better
So I lost the duel"

---------------------------------------------------

Dear Wisdom:

I'm a Roman Legionnaire.  All my socks are pink from being washed with my tunics.  What do I do?

    -- Fuchsia Maximus

    Pink Socks:

All Romans face this
You cannot bleach sanguine socks
Wash your socks in blood

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Yo, Wisdom,
I am a troll.  I don't mean my character is a troll.  I am an Internet Troll.  My favorite pastime is logging onto the Dagorhir Bulletin Board and pretending I'm a 12 year old boy who wants to start a Dagorhir chapter.  I disguise my writing with L33T speak and mis-spelled words, then post lots of stupid questions all over the board.  It is a blast!  But then meanies like Grimhan, Leonidas, and now even Flittie(!) pick on me, and the Board Admins lock up my accounts, forcing me to start over again.  What should I do?

    -- OrcanAzaronSirNorrisEtc.

    Biggest Loser

Ev'ry breath's a waste
You are a sad little man
Get yourself a life

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Wisdom, HELP! Zombies have me surrounded; my comrades and family have all been "turned" or had their brains eaten.  I'd blow my brains out, but I can't figure out how to fire this bow backwards.  What do you recommend?

            - Grandpa Norris

    Last Man Standing

You have two choices:
Grow wings like I have and fly
Or learn to like brains

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Mister Wisdom

Everyone says I cheat.  Even my own unit, and they're supposed to be my friends!  How do I make them understand that I caught the edge of that sword on my pommel and I didn't feel that Blue and the next one hit my arm AND my chest at the same time and that "ankle" hit was really my foot on the ground and that Red could have hit my shield harder?

    - R. Hide

    Whine-o-Hide

They can't understand
Because you are just cheating
Take your freakin hits

February 2007

Ask Wisdom Vol. 2

Dear Wisdom,

I have this friend who always takes off his pants, how can I get him to stop?

Signed,
Not Dudley S. Thunder Esquire

Dear Ori

Next time, don't send pictures along with your question. Please. There are some things even a four-thousand-year-old Demon can't stomach, and I've eaten things which made carrion-vultures say, "Pass."

Duct tape? Staples? No - the cloth could pull off of either of those if he tugged hard enough. Killing him is probably not enough - you Dagorhir have an annoying habit of Resurrecting after every death.

I hate to admit it, but I fear I'm stumped...wait! I have it! Have your Heralds enforce the Dagorhir costume rules! The rules clearly state that, at every event, everyone is required to wear a costume including pants or a kilt!

Now, about that Pesky Wil Scarlit problem...

Wisdom~>

Dear Wisdom,

The zombies have invaded. What is the best tactic for survival?

Signed,

Don't want to be Lunch

Dear Dinner,

You have several options. You could:

- Do what I do: spread your massive, leathery wings and fly to your secure fortress in the mountains where your well-armored Minions* will protect you.
- Borrow makeup from the Militia, disguise yourself as a zombie and live among them until a brave human survivor splits your skull with a hunga-munga.
- Announce that Ragnarok XXII is being held at Norris's Grandfather's beach house in Hatteras and hope that the fifteen-hundred-plus Dagorhir who show up are able to fight off the Zombie Hordes.
- Drink some of Grand High Lazyass's sparkling juice drink. Yum!

Wisdom~>

 

Dear fluffy bunny man with GREAT BIG LONG WINGS!

How expensive are toadies to keep? Do they require food? Can you train them to fight, retrieve stuff, type essays?

- aspiring zookeeper

Dear Perspiring Zookeeper,

Not very. Some. Yes, no, and not good ones.

First, let's explore the difference between a Toady and a *Minion. Both are subspecies of the genus sycophant, yet there are distinct differences. Both will do what you say (until that inevitable point when they betray you and you're forced to eat their souls and return to Toadies ‘R' Us to find a new one). The primary difference is that the Toady does a lot more Sucking Up than the Minion.

Take Sméagol/Gollum and Grima Wormtongue as examples. Both are sycophants, but Grima merely does what Saruman tells him to do (and sometimes cries when he sees a huge army of orcs... Who can blame him? I have to admit, I always cry at that scene!). Gollum, however, is a Toady: "Master is so strong! Master is so good! Master would never hurt Sméagol!" MAJOR suck-up! And, of course, he betrays his Master in the end. Good thing Frodo already had Sam in reserve. Saved himself a trip to the ToadyMarket.

Good examples of Minions from your Dagorhir world include Solusar of the Militia, Mithras of Eryndor and, of course, Roman Legions number VI through XIII.

Toadies might include Ichiro of Angaron, Jari of Taurendor/Aratari, and of course Oger Make Hole of Mirkwood (the Jumbo Economy Toady).

My Toady, the pathetic human which calls itself Graymael, seems to have Tourettes Syndrome: it spends most of its time running around with a large knife or axe, striking barn doors and shouting "RedRedRed!"

Graymael doesn't cost much to keep, other than the enormous bills it runs up on single-malt scotch, foam, and something called "DAP." It doesn't eat much, although it drinks (Scotch or Gin mostly) near constantly. I've tried for decades (it feels like centuries!) to teach it to fight, but it insists on shooting things with arrows instead. Retrieve stuff? This Toady can't find it's oversized derrière with both clumsy hands! As to typing essays...I don't know, I've never asked it to write anything. I'll ask it to write, "Sam Gamgee: Toady, Minion, or Just a Halfling with a Crush on Frodo?" and report back to you next issue.

Wisdom~>

Dear Wisdom,

How can we participate in more continental Dag Events? We are from Puerto Rico.

- Akeron

Young Akeron, there are so many ways you can participate in more continental Dagorhir events! You can:

 

• Start swimming now; you should be here in time for Ides of March, and then can stay for Gates of Fire and Ragnarok.
• Turn pirate and pillage coastal cities to pay for your foam and DAP habit and your air-fare to inland events.
• Perform the spell on page 57 of "Demon-Summoning for Dummies" - this spell is guaranteed to locate a powerful demon, put him under your control so he will do your bidding, and transport him instantly to wherev *poit!*

"Ask Wisdom" is on temporary hiatus. Please tune into the next issue of "Incidental Padding" for more wisdom from Wisdom...assuming we can find him.

January 2007

Ask Wisdom Vol. 1

Oh Mighty Wisdom,
I'm secretly dating a married member of the Vardotta...

Not anymore you aren't. Wisdom--->

Dear Great and Powerful Wisdom,
Does this kilt make my butt look big?
-- LF, Khatovar

LF: It's not the kilt which makes your butt look big. Trust me. Wisdom-->

Dear Wisdom:
I have problems fighting with my red weapon when I've lost an arm. Advice? -- SS/DA

1. Don't lose an arm.
2. Grow extra arms.
3. Block arm shots with your wing.

Oh Ancient Demon,
Is there life after death? -- Itchy-O

1. What, have you never fought in a Rez Battle?
2. Depends...does your HMO offer voodoo?
3. Only for ancient Bulletin Board threads.

dear bat man
i m dating an aratari sword jock. i wont say his name ori might embarrASS him. i want to break up w/him but i dont know if i should do it before h ego es out to win the ragnarok wargod turney again or after cause it would be kinda cool to date a god. what would u do? - dairyazz

What would I do? Kill him and eat his soul. Actually, kill both of you and eat your souls. And swallow a dictionary chaser...or perhaps a copy of Strunk and White. Wisdom--->